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Tuesday, 24 January 2012

The five stages of acceptance? My warped stages more like...

Well, since this is so therapeutic, and I don't want (not to mention can't afford) therapy, I've decided to give this another go.

I've been doing quite well in accepting my diagnosis, but I thought I'd look at something they would seem to use in therapy: The five stages of acceptance - Denial, Anger, Fear, Grief & Acceptance - apparently in that order!

I've been through all five at some point, but not in that order, and sometimes at the same time, aside from denial and acceptance (obviously). Unless I've being in denial about my acceptance...yeah, anyway.

I denied it when it was first suspected, and was very fearful at the same time, then grieved how I used to live my life (at one point I was in 3 bands, working long hours, great social life, 2 stone lighter), then came fear and anger again. I also thought I might be going crazy, and as I mentioned in my last blog, even feared being a hypochondriac.

English language Fascists look away now (this is one long sentence).

My warped stages of acceptance, which cannot be labelled, but I will call...well, "My Warped Stages of Acceptance" - I was diagnosed, I accepted it, went to work, told my boss, got v emotional and numb, went home, cried my eyes out (in secret of course), started being positive, getting on with it, got angry at the NHS for taking a long time to get my meds, worrying about what others would think and feel, told family, told close friends, being very secretive about everything, and thought "f**k it, if they mind, they really don't matter, the ones that matter, are the ones who see me for me, and not my disease."

Acceptance - in my own way. It felt good to get that out.

The clouds are starting to shift, and I'm feeling like myself more than I have in a long time. My social life is good, my creative streak is coming back, and I have a decent job....wow, some actual positivity from me? The glass may be half full, but I'll still be a cynical, argumentative one at heart.

Before I carry on too much (as if I haven't already), I'll sign off.

Ciao xx

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