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Tuesday, 20 March 2012

The bubble has burst (rant warning).

If you don't like rants or people moaning, then look away now, or basically, just sod off. Otherwise, read on!

I try not to open up my feelings so much in public, unless I've had a fair few drinks, or I'm feeling particularly emo - trying to look tough as a defence mechanism or something... Sorry about this rambling blog, which may not be grammatically correct, but I can't be bothered to edit this - you've got the "raw copy" I'm afraid.

Well, it's been a while since my last blog. I've been very busy and have had no time to write or play guitar.

My medication actually started to run smoothly, then hurt, and then my bubble burst - the relapse came along again. Like someone in your life who will always be there, who you really don't like, but can't do anything about but put up with it.

MS is a strange disease and an even stranger one to try an explain to other people. Unlike past relapses, this relapse seems to have brought back old symptoms, but at a different time of year (like seasons I usually get them around summer time).

It could mean the MS is getting more active (my last one only finished September/October time), or this is it for the year and no relapse for me in summer time.

Now, the rant. If I had been given my medication just after I was diagnosed (I would have happily taken out a loan to get it quicker if I'd've known), there is a very good chance that I might not have even had a relapse now.

I am now more than ever really pissed off with this disease. I know there are people in the world with terminal illnesses, and people who have worse MS than me, and people who are generally much worse off than me, but you know what? All of us have a right to be pissed off.

It's the not knowing that drives me mad. Now I've had this relapse just only 6 months after the last one scares the hell out of me. I thought I had actually come to terms with it somewhat, as only last Friday I was talking to a friend at the pub about it (maybe the cider was making me feel brave).

I think this is something I will never get used to. I feel like crying, screaming, getting so drunk/high it blots out reality for a few hours (not that I condone drug use gov...I did hear hash can help alleviate MS pain though - shame it's not legal).

My arm feels like it's on fire, my left eye feels tingly and numb, headache, dizziness, low concentration, speech is affected...arrrrrrrrgh.

No one knows what their future really holds, I could be healthy and die tomorrow, but with me I wonder what I will be like in 10 years time. 24 years old and worrying if I'll have extreme health issues at such a young age.

Naturally I also wonder is me having MS will put off any potential friends or boyfriend in the future (because of future uncertainty), I do know if I constantly moan about it - which I don't - it'd put off any friend from getting to know me, hence the self-denial and "I'm fine!"

Then again, anyone that is put off, is shallow and not worth the effort anyway.

Anyone else I know with MS doesn't seem to have much trouble with the latter, (so I'm just being stupid) and are great people who seem to cope amazingly. I thought I was coping well, but really I'm not.

I need a hug...




Craggy said...

It certainly don't put off this friend, Jo.

take care xx

Jo said...

Cheers Craggy, means a lot. I know I have a lot of good friends who have stuck by me - just needed to have a good vent.

Grieving how healthy I used to be is part of it, but I have had a good 6 months, and nearly forgot what it was like to be ill - thankfully the relapse hasn't been as bad as it usually would be, due to the meds, but it hit me today, so was a shock.

Hopefully a long sleep will help...